525,600 minutes

Today is my sobriety date. It’s been 1 year since I had my last drink. Alisa asked me if I remember my last drink. And I had to say I don’t remember any details. Not because I was drunk. I am pretty sure I was trying to control my drinking that day. I had been for awhile. So on June 25 I probably had a couple of beers. There was nothing extraordinary about that day. I didn’t know that it was the last time I would drink.  Now that I have been sober for a year I have enough perspective to see some of the things that are different. People have asked me  “Do you feel different?” And “what does it feel like?” And “will you ever go back to drinking?” And the truth is it depends on when you ask me. This is a work in progress. I am just beginning to understand that this is a choice. A choice I make every day. 

Do I feel different? Most days. In many of the ways you expect. I often get up early (which is much easier without a hangover.) I don’t rush through sober activities so that I can get to “have a drink and relax.” On good days I remember that whatever I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. And I don’t have to wait to relax. I can do that whenever I choose. But the reality is I am not much different. I am same the person I was before. I am just better at being me. 

What does it feel like? There is definitely not a consistent answer to this. Sobriety is one part of my life. All the same stuff happens to me as everyone else. On my good days I remember that things happen. They don’t happen to me. I choose how I respond. Most days I feel really good. For all the reasons I have mentioned before 

• my body feels better. Not in the I am an olympic athlete kind of way. In the I don’t poison myself regularly kind of way. 
• I have no fear of regret of things I will say or do while drinking. 
• I have no fear that I will drink too much and be unable to drive. (and do it anyway) 
• I have no fear that there will be some crisis that I won't be able to handle because I was drinking. 

Will I ever go back to drinking? By the grace of God I made it to where I am at. I don't want to take the chance that I won't get back here again. So I have no intention of going back to drinking. It is too high risk for the reward. 

With all that said, tonight when I got this chip I felt pretty damn good. Someone at the meeting said I was glowing. I probably was. It was nice to be in a room full of people who understand what it took to get here and appreciate it. When I got the chip I looked at the guy in the room who I know has the most years sober (30+) and I said "It's a good start."