428

Its been 428 days since my last drink. At this point I really only know that because I have an app on my phone that tells me. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter if I have been sober 1 day or 1,000. It is still a choice every day. To think that being sober longer somehow means you are "fixed" or "healed" is a mistake. There are many who have lost their way after being sober for years. It's why I have to remember this is a process. Yes, I have worked through the 12 steps with a sponsor (for the 1st time). And yes, I have been sober for over a year. And yes, I still go to meetings. But I still have to choose to do the next right thing.

I have been sober long enough to start thinking about who I am without alcohol. I have mentioned before that it is intertwined with my identity in multiple ways. It isn't just the drinking that I gave up. It is the brewing, tasting, and home brewer's club. Figuring out what I want to focus that time and energy towards is more difficult than I thought. Sure, I have been spending more time with our family. And I have worked more and got more sleep. But there are 2 things from drinking that I struggle to find-Socialization and Relaxation. In the month of August I spent 10 days working on a project in Las Vegas. Although I went out a few times, it was not really enjoyable for long. Watching other people drink isn't really relaxing. And after other people have a few drinks it isn't really fun to socialize. Next, I was on vacation for 8 days in San Diego. San Diego is one of the craft beer meccas and in years past I would sample as many beers as I could. So, even though I was spending days on the beach with my family in the evening I struggled with relaxing. I got there but it didn't happen as easily as I thought it would.

I don't post this for self pity. It's part of my process that I hope someone else will benefit from. I am finding my way a little at a time. I am learning the balance of finding healthy replacements for drinking and unhealthy ones. It makes no more sense to think that you can replace drinking beer with exercise than it does that you can replace eating ice cream with exercise. It might be easier to do without that behavior but you get different things out of those behaviors. Finding what it is that you enjoy about a destructive behavior and replacing it with less destructive behavior is challenging.
I am blessed with support from my family, friends, church, AA group, and work colleagues so I am figuring it out 1 day at a time.