It's my birthday!

Today I turn 48 years old.  Birthdays are a natural time to look back over the past year. I won't bore you with all the details of the last year of my life.  And since I am focusing on sobriety that is what I am writing about. I spent almost half of the last year sober. The 1st 6 months and the last 6 months have some stark contrasts. As I have mentioned before distance brings perspective. Looking back I was trying to remember the last birthday that I had without a drink. I think other than my "year of living sober" experiment a few years back I have had a drink (usually many) on every birthday since my 17th.  So, how did it feel to celebrate my birthday sober for the 1st time in 30 years? Pretty damn good. I didn't have to plan my day around drinking (to avoid getting drunk too early in the day). I didn't have to make sure I had a ride anywhere I wanted to go. I didn't have to clear my calendar tomorrow morning so I could sleep off my hangover. Instead I spent time with my family and friends (and some time alone.)

Recently, I was questioning my choice to stop drinking and go to AA. I was rationalizing the amount of my drinking compared to others. And I was starting to think that I can just have a few beers. It will be fine. Then I went out to dinner with colleagues. Colleagues that I drank with often in the past. This time, of course, I was not drinking but they were. Even though before the meal they both talked about needing a drink after their hard day they both had one drink and stopped. And neither of them were driving. And it was early in the evening. That's when I realized that I wouldn't have done that. And if I was able to keep it to 1 beer then I would have been thinking about having another. Towards the end of my drinking I always wanted to have another. Even when I didn't have it. So, for those who think I had my drinking under control most of the time. You are right. I did. But it was only because I was working at it all the time. Do I still want a drink sometimes? Sure. But now that moment passes. And I get to move on with my life.