When I decided to stop drinking I wasn't sure what would happen. I knew things would be different but I didn't know how. I didn't really have a plan. If you have known me a while you know I planned to do a year of living sober a few years ago. I made it about 6 months and considered it a successful experiment. The reality is that I wanted to have 1 drink to celebrate something and then go right back to sober living. But I couldn't. I made it a few more days and then had another drink. And then I went to a party and gave up. I didn't start drinking daily right away but I eventually got there. And most days I was "in control". But I still wanted to have a few drinks and I was disappointed if I didn't. After a while I started planning my days to make sure i would have a drink. Client meetings in the afternoon at a bar or brewery, errand s that happened to be next to a great bar. Or making sure there was beer in the keg so I could have a few beers when no one was home and claim I just had one.
This time I have stopped drinking for good. And I have realized I need a plan. I have been to a few AA meetings. Some have been easy and some have been hard and they have all been good in their own way. I don't know about the label "alcoholic". I relate to some of the stories but many people in recovery talk about how their life was wrecked before. And mine wasn't. My life was and is pretty amazing. I have an amazing, supportive wife, 2 strong, intelligent, beautiful little girls. My faith community is full of people who care about me and my family. I am blessed to have a successful business doing work I enjoy (mostly). So, for those of you who are asking "are you an alcoholic?” The simple answer is yes. The much more complicated I am learning about every day.
I also read Stop Drinking Now by Alan Carr. It was a gift from a friend. And it is popular in online recovery circles. There is some good information in it and the method in it has worked for lots of people. However, my challenge with his premise is that you basically have to believe that alcohol is poison and that you never liked it. Giving up alcohol isn't something you have to do it's something you get to do. Freeing you from the slavery of alcohol. And I just can't buy that. As a former home brewer and expert in craft beer I disagree I didn't enjoy it. Of course, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much I made beer I liked to drink. The problem isn't that I don't enjoy it. The problem is that I wanted to enjoy things without it and I couldn’t. As someone in AA said to me. "If there is anything that 14years of sobriety has taught me, it's that I love to drink."
So why quit? There are many reasons. It’s better for my physical and emotional health, I don’t have to wake up with regret, no more hangovers, it’s cheaper, and it’s easier to be present in the moment. But none of that matters. The reason I quit is because I was using alcohol to deal with life. Sometimes in small ways and sometimes in big ways. And alcohol doesn't make any problem better. Dealing with life can be hard sometimes but I know that I am making better decisions with a clear head. And I don’t have to question my ability to make a decision or question my emotions.
Day 40 of sobriety
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