Control Freak

Today is day 521 of my sober life. Being an alcoholic isn’t just about alcohol and drugs. It’s about realizing that your brain doesn’t work quite right. It’s about realizing that the “ism” doesn’t go away when you stop drinking. For a long time alcohol wasn’t the problem, it was the solution. And it worked. My desire to control everyone and everything around me was mitigated by my drinking. It was much easier to let go of things when I was numbing myself to the outcome. The irony is that I have struggled more with letting go of things since I stopped drinking. If I didn’t like the way things were going then after  a few drinks I didn’t care as much.  I didn’t realize that I really was using alcohol to “loosen up” in multiple ways. Being sober makes it much easier to be present but it doesn’t make it easier to accept things. That is a skill I have been working on for years. Until I stopped drinking I didn’t realize how much I try to control. And although I have been working on meditation since long before I stopped drinking I wasn’t consistent until I stopped drinking . That has helped me to see that even though I work on being able to surrender and take things as they come I have a long way to go. This is where I have to acknowledge that those closest to me have been patient with me, especially my wife. The ones closest to us see us at our most vulnerable and we often lash out at them as a result. 

I am in a much better place than I was 522 days ago but it is not always easy. I am grateful to be clear eyed and able to work on accepting whatever happens every day.