4 years and climbing

 Today marks 4 years of sobriety. In some ways it feels like little has changed since that last day I had a drink. I am fortunate to still be married to an amazing woman, father to 2 wonderful daughters, and live in a beautiful place. Aside from the obvious pandemic of the last 16 months there have been changes. In previous posts I have written about meditation and mountain biking. And I have certainly done a lot of both in the last 16 months. But the thing that was there when I got sober and is still with me is AA. I don't talk a lot about it because many people have a negative attitude toward it. And that may be your experience but it isn't mine. I have found (and continue to find) stories of redemption in the rooms of AA. And that speaks to me on a deep level. It is profound to hear people of all different backgrounds share different stories that we can all relate to because of our experience with alcohol. When I 1st went to AA I didn't want to belong. I wanted to say "these people are losers and I don't need to be here." But instead I heard (and hear) versions of my own story. It has taken time for that to sink in. That spending time with people who relate to your experience is important. And that is not restricted to AA. I think that is true for whatever you struggle with. We all have demons. Some just visit but some are with us for life. Regardless, it benefits everyone involved to share that experience with someone else who has had similar experience. 

There is absolutely a spiritual component to AA and without a connection a higher power it doesn't work. Even though I was raised in a Christian home, attended church most of my life, and was an active member of my church that is something I was not cultivating. (And sometimes I still don't). But my time in AA has been humbling. It is so easy to think that you have it figured it out until the day you realize that you don't. I am learning that I have been connected to my higher power my whole life but that connection has been very fuzzy at times. And despite myself there have been times of great connection. What I can about sobriety today is that I am able to make the connection more easily and maintain it longer. And that is lot more than I was bargaining for when I walked into that AA meeting in 2017. 

In sobriety I have had some difficult times. Most recently, the death of my father. I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about taking a drink during some of the gatherings in his memory. But I know where that leads for me and I am thankful that the thought passed briefly. I have to credit that to being connected to AA through my friends, through the literature, and through my connection to my higher power. I am thankful to be sober today. If you want to hear more of my story please reach out to me anytime. 

3 years

June 26, 2020 

Today, I celebrate 3 years of sobriety. It is an odd time to be celebrating sobriety (or anything, really). But I have to say I am thankful that I am sober. I can’t imagine spending most of my days at home trying to avoid or hiding drinking. There is a lot going on in the world and it would be far too easy to numb myself to it. No one wants to focus on uncomfortable or difficult situations most of the time. Right now there are more than ever. Everyone needs a healthy distraction sometimes. And if you are unemployed then you might have a lot of time to be distracted. I am fortunate that I have found healthy distractions. 

Many things have changed especially recently. Although the there have been some amazing and challenging things happening in the world, personally, the last 3 years have been a time of growth and positive change. I have listed many of those before but here are a few examples.  (Obviously, having more time due to shelter in place has helped recently but I’d be spending all this time differently if I had not stopped brewing and drinking) 

Meditation-although I started meditating before I was sober I didn’t develop a meaningful practice until recently. 20-30 minutes a day of meditation and usually some time listening to a master teacher to learn more. 

Diet-I have been vegan off and on for years. And when I 1st got sober I didn’t need 1 more restriction. But now that I have been sober for awhile I have been able to stick with vegan diet. Not looking for greasy, salty, food in a haze at 1am helps 🙂 

Exercise-although it isn’t strictly because I am sober, I have returned to mountain biking in a pretty big way. Selling the home brewery paid for a big portion of the mountain bike. And no hangovers has made it a lot easier to make early morning rides. And see below for the difference (that ride in 2018 took much longer and was much harder) 

There are many other benefits of being sober but that’s enough for now.  I hope that that if you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol you will reach out to me. I am happy to share more of my story. 

Every day is new. Today I am happy to be sober another day.  

1000 days

It’s a strange time to be in the world. For me, it feels like everything has changed. But not quite. 

Yes, I have lost pretty much all work until August. Fortunately, we have savings and we are not stressed about that. (Yet) And yes, school is now “distance learning”. So, we are all home together. We spend a lot of time during the week working on class assignments. But some things are still the same. Thankfully we are able to spend time outdoors so I am able to ride my mountain bike. And family game time is a lot of fun. 

And thankfully, I am still sober. Today marks 1000 days without a drink. It is not a year or month marker so it is not celebrated in AA but it feels like an important milestone. For me, it took over 2 years to internalize the idea of being sober. For it to become more than an a break from drinking. To realize that although it is a daily choice, I have chosen to make it every day for the rest of my life. And to realize that AA has a whole set of tools for living that make that possible. Most of those are available to anyone who seeks them out in the world. Many of them I have been using long before I got sober. But AA puts them all in 1 place with a support group. And it took me until recently to appreciate that.

Now that I feel like sobriety is in me I am trying different things that made me uncomfortable. When I 1st got sober one of the things I missed the most was the beer culture. I was pretty deep. I knew a lot about beer and many of the people who made it. I enjoyed knowing so much about craft beer and making my own. Until recently I was afraid to try NA beer based on other people’s stories. But I have my own story. After doing some research I discovered there are craft breweries that make only NA beer. And some of it is 0% alcohol. I was surprised to find multiple craft breweries dedicated to making NA beer. Even more surprising is that some of it is good! I tried multiple brews. I won’t mention the ones that were not good or average. There is one that I found exceptional.  Juicy Mavs Hazy IPA from Surreal Brewing Company.  There are still some I have not tried yet because they are not available locally. I look forward to trying Athletic Brewing offerings. They brew with the idea that you drink the beer at the end of a run and it is actually good for you. What a concept! 

I realize that for some that the idea of drinking an NA beer is “too close to home”. I  understand and respect that idea. That is not my experience. If you are in recovery then you should do what is best for you. This is just my experience. 

714

714 days without a drink (and counting).  Lately, I have been questioning my choice to go to AA. Not because I am unhappy in AA. But because I am missing participating in some events from my past. Springtime and Summer bring beer festivals and brewing competitions. 

And beer/alcohol seems to make it into everything. Ales and Trails used to be one of my favorite events. Mountain biking followed by drinking craft beer. Now that I am riding again that has come up. (and not just for the Ales and Trails event)  Warm weather brings more beer festivals and other outdoor gatherings with beer being a large part of the event. 

I have years of habits, rituals, and events that I am working on breaking, changing, or removing. 

On the flip side I have been to meetings in other cities. That has been fun, interesting, different, and comforting. I went to a meeting at a sobriety club in Las Vegas. Who knew such a thing existed? It was nice to go someplace that looked like a sports bar but instead of alcohol and sports talk it was NA beverages and AA meetings. 

I wrote the above paragraphs somewhere around a week ago. After more contemplation I have come to the realization that I need to think less about replacing alcohol and more about starting from scratch. I don’t need to ask “what am I going to do instead of go to brewery on warm afternoon with a few hours to myself?” I need to ask “what can I do for the next few hours that would be useful, or make me happy?” And that is true for pretty much every experience with alcohol. If the event was about alcohol I don’t need to replace that event I need to remove it. If the event was focused on something else and alcohol was part of the experience I need to decide if that event is still important to me. And if it is then decide how to participate without alcohol. In short, I need to let go of my past and focus on the present. Make decisions moment by moment with clarity. Simple but not easy. 

666

Day 666. That number is supposed to have some significance in some cultures. For me it is the number of days since I have had a drink. I know that because I have an app that keeps track. I don’t think about it on a daily basis how many days it’s been. I do think every day that I’m not going to have a drink today. And that has been true for 666 days. Some days I only think about it in the morning when I pray and some days I think about it often. Those are the days when I am around other people drinking, stressful situations, or just the circumstances in which I used to drink. The older I get the more I realize how little I have control over and that is certainly true in sobriety. Most of my frustrations in sobriety (and in life) come from setting expectations on other people places and situations. 

Lately I have been thinking about social situations. One of the reasons people drink alcohol is that it works. For most people it helps them relax and socialize more easily.  Obviously that is only true to a certain point and then it becomes more detrimental. I have been thinking about my social skills and what it means to have fun and how I interact with other peopleWhen I go to a social gathering and don’t have a great time it’s easy to forget that i used to go to events like that when I was drinking all the time. Alcohol made it easier for me to ignore that I wasn’t enjoying myself and made me more relaxed so that I didn’t care as much. But what I have to remember is that it didn’t change the situation. I have to be the one to change. I have to be the one to make connections with other people. And I’m the one who can choose to make different connections. Sometimes I am going to events with colleagues, friends, even family and I won’t have a good time. And that’s OK. There will be other occasions that I will have a great time. And in both instances I know that I will be fully present rather than covering up my emotions.

Thoughts? Comments? Feel free to add to comments 

18 months

It has been over 18 months since I took a drink of alcohol.

In that time I have had a lot of ups and downs. Most of them have been internal. I continue to have a good life. My career, my family, and my friends are all good.  The stuff that goes on in my head though, doesn't always agree with reality. I am learning that some things in my life really have nothing to do with alcohol. The fact that I almost always see the negative before the positive is part of my personality built over a lifetime. How I relate to people on a daily basis is choice I make. When I judge someone else's actions or make a denigrating comment it is a choice. These are traits that I continue to change and have to accept that it is a slow process.

Tomorrow is December 31 and like many people I am thinking about the year past and the year ahead.  2018 has been great to me. The 1st calendar year that I have been sober and I had many fantastic experiences at work and at home with family and friends. I didn't always do a good job of acknowledging those experiences or those people. I don't really do resolutions but for 2019 my intention is to "speak positivity and light" whenever possible.

Control Freak

Today is day 521 of my sober life. Being an alcoholic isn’t just about alcohol and drugs. It’s about realizing that your brain doesn’t work quite right. It’s about realizing that the “ism” doesn’t go away when you stop drinking. For a long time alcohol wasn’t the problem, it was the solution. And it worked. My desire to control everyone and everything around me was mitigated by my drinking. It was much easier to let go of things when I was numbing myself to the outcome. The irony is that I have struggled more with letting go of things since I stopped drinking. If I didn’t like the way things were going then after  a few drinks I didn’t care as much.  I didn’t realize that I really was using alcohol to “loosen up” in multiple ways. Being sober makes it much easier to be present but it doesn’t make it easier to accept things. That is a skill I have been working on for years. Until I stopped drinking I didn’t realize how much I try to control. And although I have been working on meditation since long before I stopped drinking I wasn’t consistent until I stopped drinking . That has helped me to see that even though I work on being able to surrender and take things as they come I have a long way to go. This is where I have to acknowledge that those closest to me have been patient with me, especially my wife. The ones closest to us see us at our most vulnerable and we often lash out at them as a result. 

I am in a much better place than I was 522 days ago but it is not always easy. I am grateful to be clear eyed and able to work on accepting whatever happens every day.